Ways to Deal with the Difficult People in Your Church, Christian Circles, Family, and Friends. How should we deal with difficult people? How to deal with “toxic” people, charitably and successfully. Some people in our lives may be difficult simply because they challenge us. Or they may be difficult because they are different.
I Will Share Ways Jesus Dealt With Difficult People and it wasn’t always nice as people often ask (“What Would Jesus Do?) Jesus Is Never Cornered, He did not allow people to corner Him, Jesus Knows When to Ignore. He knew when to ignore people if they liked it or not. Jesus Is not Defensive, Jesus Is Flexible and Jesus asks questions. It is funny, but we humans tend not to ask a lot of questions. We assume, we pontificate, we lecture, we observe, we interrupt, and we judge. But we rarely make it a point to ask other people questions.
Have you ever had someone in your life that…
- That seemed to DIMINISH YOU
- That caused you to OPERATE AS HALF OF YOURSELF
- That squashed a PIECE OF YOUR HEART AND SOUL
- MADE YOU UNSETTLED just by the way they projected themselves?
Maybe it is someone who is an over-the-top NARCISSIST.
- Or the distrust feelings while being with a GOSSIPER.
- Or the anxious feelings of being a future the topic of your CRITICAL “friend”.
- Or the subservience feelings while standing down to a BULLY.
- Or the insecure feelings as you hope things are still good with a PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
- Or maybe even the emotional drain of an ever-complaining NEGATIVE person.
How do you DEAL WITH such people? How do you STAY HEALTHY and RETAIN ENERGY for life? How do you REGULATE and live as your WHOLE SELF, rather than a DIMINISHED VERSION of you?
These people can be your parents, your friends, your siblings, your church family.
This about dealing with Difficult People. David Had to Deal With These People. But he goes on to recite the 23rd Psalms. He begins with God, He leads me, He restores my soul.
PSALM 23:1-6 NKJV [David said] The LORD [is] my shepherd; I SHALL NOT WANT. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. 3 HE RESTORES MY SOUL; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. SLIDE 05 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Now, he is ready to face the conflicts from dealing with difficult people. Difficult people tend to trigger our deepest fears. When he is talking about walking through the valley of the shadow of death, he is not talking about a literal valley but a relational valley. I WILL FEAR NO EVIL; For YOU [ARE] WITH ME; He is saying I do not have to fear evil; I do not have to fear what men’s choices are, what some lady said, what some cousin said, what my spouse said or what some friend said, I do not have to fear my security in that, I have already established that the Lord is my source and He is the one who gives me therapy besides the still waters.
Your rod and Your staff, they COMFORT ME. God, you are big enough, You comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the PRESENCE OF MY ENEMIES; Say difficult people. Table represents nourishment, He feeds me, I have a seat at this table in the presence of my enemies. The gossipers, the bully’s the narcissist, now I am sitting across from my enemies, and You anoint my head with oil. You ANOINT MY HEAD with oil; MY CUP RUNS OVER. You anoint my head with oil when I am around difficult people. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER.
1 SAMUEL 16:11 NIV So he asked Jesse, "Are these all the sons you have?" "There is still the YOUNGEST," Jesse answered. "He is tending the sheep." Samuel said, "Send for him; we will not sit down until he arrives." David had to deal with a toxic father who thought nothing less of him but that he is a nobody but a lad out herding the sheep.
1 SAMUEL 17:28 NLT But when David's oldest brother, Eliab, heard David talking to the men, he was angry. "What are you doing around here anyway?" he demanded. "What about those few sheep you're supposed to be taking care of? I know about your pride and deceit. You just want to see the battle!" His brother demeaned him. Now Saul is trying to kill David every day. Toxic, and difficult people. David dealt with this his entire life, and it got him into a lot of trouble until he began to learn how to process the difficulties, the enemies of his life.
PSALM 69:4 NLT [David said] Those who HATE ME without cause OUTNUMBER THE HAIRS on my head. Many ENEMIES TRY TO DESTROY ME with lies…
Using Christian values to deal with challenging people.
Does it sometimes feel like all the challenging people in the world are getting more and more, well – unpleasant? Perhaps some days feel like one never-ending prayer for patience, tolerance, and forgiveness.
As Christians, we are not exempt from difficult relationships and challenging people, but we have plentiful resources and abundant tools to call upon. Next time you’re faced with the temptation to lose it with someone who is tap dancing on your last nerve, try one of our five favorite methods of bringing Christian values into unpleasant interpersonal dynamics.
How should we deal with difficult people? Some people in our lives may be difficult simply because they challenge us. Or they may be difficult because they are different. Or they may be difficult because we live with them (and proximity amplifies foibles). Or they may be difficult because we are difficult and something about us just rubs them the wrong way.
Or they may just be difficult.
Regardless, we can learn to accept the inconvenient, the incongruent and the bothersome (people and events) in our life not just as necessary nuisances but as gifts.
First, expect it. As I mentioned above, the church is full of real people with real problems; conflict is inevitable. With that in mind, the first step in dealing with difficult people is to expect it. Knowing that it can and will happen should often remove the surprise factor so that you can properly prepare for those situations as they arise.
1. Ask the Holy Spirit to intercede
Unconditional love for our brothers and sisters in Christ is an admirable goal to hold, but very few humans can consistently pull this off without divine assistance. If you know you're about to enter a difficult interaction with a person or group, petition the Holy Spirit to light the path before you and touch the hearts of all involved with the spirit of receptivity and reconciliation.
2. Don’t lose your cool.
It’s easy to get defensive when feeling attacked or misunderstood. But it’s incredibly important to keep your cool in a difficult situation. Chances are, you're a Christian if reading this article. As a result, you are setting an example to others that could either hurt or help your testimony.
If this is a challenge for you, see step number 8. That I will share.
2. Pray for self-control and discernment
If you have strong communication skills and are a fast thinker, it's easy to lash out in hurtful anger before you even realize you're speaking aloud. You cause a rip in the fabric of your relationship with the other that is often very hard to mend, and chances are, you feel badly about yourself for losing control.
Even if it’s in the heat of the moment, try to pause and pray for perspective and poise. If you can keep your composure, you’ll feel more dignified and better able to hear guidance about what to do and say next.
3. Diffuse the situation by depersonalizing it
Ask yourself: “Is this conflict really about me?” It could be that the other person has just experienced a horrible loss or is enduring a painful physical challenge. Try to become spacious and generous with your attention instead of contracted and self-focused. Put yourself in the other person’s situation, and open to the idea that this may have nothing at all to do with you. If you can bring some humor and levity into the situation, all the better!
Don’t fuel the fire.
Another big don’t “don’t add fuel to the fire”. This goes back to defensiveness and wanting to protect yourself. It easily happens that a situation can escalate quickly with one wrong word.
Hold Proverbs 15:1 with some weight: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but hard words stir up anger.” Remember that a gentle answer can diffuse the problem almost instantly!
4. Swallow your pride.
Sometimes all we can do when the confrontation filter takes over is to protect ourselves--to, in all honesty, put ourselves first. Nobody likes being wrong, misunderstood, or accused of fault. But this is pride and pride only hurt situations and destroys relationships.
When you’re dealing with a difficult person, be willing to play your part and to be the first to offer a gentle word. Our pride makes it so hard but it’s very necessary when working with people.
In addition, be willing to say “sorry.” If you’re at fault, say you dropped the ball. Apologize. Offer the proverbial olive branch and allow for reconciliation to take place.
5. Turn the pointing finger around
Examine your own reactions, judgments, and projections. As distasteful as it can be, we are called to look inward with as much fearless self-scrutiny as we can muster to find where we’re at fault. Often, the other person is mirroring something about us that we do not care to claim ownership for. We keep the focus on their transgressions to avoid coping to our own.
Prayerfully search inside and ask yourself:
- How am I contributing to the discord here?
- Is this person reminding me of myself when I’ve done the same thing?
- What are my true motives for my words and actions?
Performed with a genuine intent to grow and heal, this exercise in self-discovery can lead straight into self-forgiveness. Remember that God loves to forgive us when we humbly confess our faults. And once forgiven, we have a lot more spaciousness in our hearts to extend mercy and acceptance to others.
Remember their brokenness.
6.A huge help when working with difficult people is to remember that they are likely broken and hurt. That they are probably struggling with something that overflows into their life.
Truth is, hurt people hurt people. If you can remember their hurt, you’re more likely to respond from a place of grace. Try to reconcile and make the situation better, lifting further burden off of them and setting an example of peace.
7. Pray for them. Pray for the person.
Prayer has this incredible ability of softening our hearts towards others. If you’re at odds with someone, one of the best ways of responding in a healthy and godly way is by praying for them. It’s hard to be mad at someone you are praying for.
Even if sometimes you pray through gritted teeth with clenched fists, try to call upon Matthew 5:44:
“But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”
Be aware that the grace with which you handle challenging interpersonal interactions might be the very catalyst that causes a troubled person to notice something “different” about you and ask, “Are you a person of faith? Tell me more about that!”
8. Play the “happy ignorance” card.
If someone says something that might seem a bit critical or inconsiderate, there are times it might be best to pay this card. It means responding in a way that shrugs off the critique rather than making a big deal out of it.
One person I know who uses this technique shared the example:
If someone says to you, “Umm. you’re painting your kitchen yellow?” Instead of Yes, it’s my kitchen and I paint it the color I want to. You say, “Yea! isn’t it great?” Brush off a passing criticism and diffuse the situation.
9. Shower them with kindness.
Few things diffuse a difficult situation like kindness. It’s hard to remain mad at someone who is being incredibly nice despite a bad attitude on the other person’s part.
Take the high road and be a fountain of kindness that saturates the moment with the positive rather than the negative. Hopefully, the other person will soften and respond the same way.
10. Take a break.
Advice often given in healthy conflict resolution is the principle of walking away to get some space and perspective. Doing this allows a person to cool down and gather their thoughts and feelings, in the hope of dealing with the conflict in a healthy way.
I’m one of those people who is better fit for conflict with a small break. If you’re the type of person who needs to gather thoughts or cool down before speaking, don’t be afraid to briefly walk away from the situation and come back collected.
Matthew 18 a conflict.
One of the quickest ways of causing division in the body of Christ is by circumventing healthy conflict. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched someone go to people and slander somebody instead of talking to the person directly.
If you have a problem with someone, don’t go tell other people. You may feel you have the purest motives in telling an outside party, but that’s not biblical and it’s wrong. Matthew 18 tells you to go to that person if there is a fault; not a boss, not a pastor, and not anyone period. Bringing another into the situation only takes place when you’ve approached the difficult person without resolution, and you feel bringing another they trust into the situation might help them turn from sin.
Would you want someone to go to others and say negative things about you? Probably not. So don’t do it to someone else. ALWAYS Matthew 18 a conflict.
Ways Jesus Dealt With Difficult People. Seeing difficult people in such a positive light seems like a tall order. But we can start by learning to deal with other people in a Christ-like way. Scripture teaches us some ways that Jesus dealt with difficult people:
1.- Jesus asks questions. In Chapter 12 of Luke, Jesus is asked to settle a family dispute and basically responds, “Who do you think I am, Judge Judy?” (right, this is a loose translation, but you get the idea). It is interesting to note that Jesus asks a lot of questions in Scripture. Jesus’ questions were sometimes rhetorical, or challenging, and at other times he was also seeking feedback. By using questions, Jesus emphasizes his openness to the other person.
It is funny, but we humans tend not to ask a lot of questions. We assume, we pontificate, we lecture, we observe, we interrupt, and we judge. But we rarely make it a point to ask other people questions. In using questions frequently, I think Jesus is modeling the behavior of a good communicator, one who cares about the other person enough to engage with them and challenge them. Even, and perhaps especially when they are difficult.
2.-Jesus Is Never Cornered.
In Chapter 6 of Luke, Jesus is taking a Sabbath stroll with his disciples and the Pharisees pop up out of nowhere and accuse them of breaking the Sabbath by picking grain. Jesus is unflustered. He is never scared of the people who try to slip him up or think the worst of him, because what other people think is not his focus.
Sometimes people corner us with their assumptions and judgments, and we can begin to wonder if the way they see us is more objective than how we see ourselves. It is hard when we feel like others misunderstand us or do not take the time to get to know us before judging. But, like Jesus, we do not have to feel defined by the projections of other people. Our identity resides and is found in God, not in what other people try to push on us.
3.- Jesus Knows When to Ignore.
Remember that time when Jesus ticks off all his former neighbors and friends in his hometown of Nazareth? They are so worked up that they decide to throw him off a cliff. Jesus, seeing that there is no reasoning with these people, walks through the crowd, ignores their rage, and “went on his way” (Luke 4).
Sometimes difficult people throw tantrums, speak harshly, or treat us in an abusive way (this happens online all the time). This is the cue to disengage and walk away. Jesus knew how to keep his blood pressure in check and his eyes on the prize. Of course, if we must deal assertively with someone who does this in person, a face-to-face discussion might help. Later.
4.- Jesus Is Not Defensive.
In Chapter 10 of Mark, James and John basically say to Jesus: “We want you to do for us whatever we ask.” Wow. Talk about overstepping boundaries! But Jesus is not codependent, so neediness and boundary crossing is not threatening to him. He knows when to say no and when to say yes and does not beat himself up when he doesn’t make other people happy.
Sometimes people can demand more from us than what we can give them. They may try to sway us with guilt trips. Before we know it, we find ourselves bending over backward trying to satisfy a needy or aggressive person (who is rarely satisfied!). But Jesus does not try to people please. Jesus does not need to protect himself from other people; God’s will is enough security. This is where his non-defensiveness comes from.
5.- Jesus Is Flexible.
In Matthew 15, a Canaanite woman demands that Jesus heal her daughter and Jesus says no. But then he is moved by the woman’s response of faith and heals her daughter. Jesus approaches others with an open mind. Even when he had preconceived notions, he allowed the Spirit to move him.
When a difficult person approaches us, we may think, oh great, here we go again, or I know how this will go, but Jesus kept an open mind when he was approached by others. You never know. The Spirit may move you, or the person who is normally difficult, to act in a different, unexpected way. Being close to others closes us to the Holy Spirit who is working in us and in the other person.
Jesus, help us see You in everyone, even the people who challenge us. Light us up with Your radiant love so that we may see You even in the most difficult of people. Every human being is made in Your image. Help us to recognize You and love You in them.
Blessings
J.P. Olson
www.journeyintotheword.com
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